Well fam, we did it. We determined it to the finale of and all it made was one sex ed class from Chris Harrison, a crudely mishandled sex crime charge, the downfall of Dean, and more scallops puns than were really necessary. BUT WE FUCKING DID IT. I feel like I’ve aged 20 years in the process and my liver will no doubt made a knock here, but I suspect I’ll do anything for cause to watch reality TV spurns fornicate on a Mexican beach, even if it menaces my health and wellness. It’s important to know yourself.

Side note: I have now convinced my roommate–and her German acquaintances from out of township staying with us this week–to watch this support. I’m genuinely reaching strides with US-German ties-in here. Just call me a fucking ambassador.

Anyway, the bout begin with Chris Harrison mimicking my mother when she inquires about my love life at massive kinfolk rendezvous inviting the remaining cast members to define their relationships. He’s genuinely taking its own responsibility as legion to the next fucking level.

^^ Actual footage of Chris Harrison in Paradise rn

Dean seems legitimately scared at the believed to be wedding even though just 3 months ago he was going to PROPOSE to Rachel. Whatever.

Lol I enjoy how Chris just dips after removing this fact projectile. Like, if you want to stay in Mexico and have semi-decent accommodations with free WiFi and actual walls for your apartment then you’ll is a requirement to 100 percentage commit to this person you’ve been dry-humping all summertime. Can’t wait to watch these parties implode under that kind of pressure.

So let me get this straight-from-the-shoulder. Basically their choices are: go on a year to figure out what they are, leave as a couple, or get committed? That’s what you’re telling me rn? ABC, have you SEEN the men you pressure these dime articles to socialize with? Have you ?!

Jesus Christ. I rest my fucking case.

Lacey is the first one on the chopping block to be vulnerable. She invites Daniel if he’ll go on this appointment with her so they can continue to see where this blight upon humanity liaison travels. I’m watching this whole interaction and all I can think is, Daniel has all the makings of someone that should be attractive but yet instead stimulates me want to rip my fingernails off and claw my eyes out with the blood stumps. Ya know?

LACEY : I’m actually, certainly, REALLY < impres> desperate experiencing my period with you. Will you go on this appointment with me?

DANIEL : I’m not done with you more. You still haven’t watched the fireworks in my pants.

ME:

Jack Stone starts next. He pulls Christen aside and queries her to be his sweetheart because apparently this is the eighth fucking tier. Seriously though, am I watching or an chapter of? It’s frankly hard to tell.

JACK STONE : I want to leave Mexico propping paws with you.

CHRISTEN : lol

Wow this conversation is not going well at all. Jack Stone hinders brought forward by the pas containing stuff and Christen glances genuinely alarmed that he thinks he can even breathe the same breeze as her once they get back to the States.

“Does he think we have a love story? ” — Christen for the fucking prevail right here.

* slow-paced snaps* That’s it, I’m team #ScallopFingers perpetually. Honestly, I’ve never been more proud of a virgin who can’t drive.

My German love after sitting through just 15 hours of this demonstrate: I foresaw there’d be more nudity.

Honestly, you’re not mistaken. Same.

Adam and Raven decide to likewise go on the date. Adam glances shook that anyone would want to sleep with him. Aw, Adam, give yourself some more ascribe! All Raven’s got to compare you to is Nick!

It’s Dean and D-Lo’s turn to DTR and I don’t know if emotionally I can treat watching these two life ruiners ride off into the fucking sundown for a glad aiming. I merely don’t know if I can stomach it–WAIT. Did he just drop D-Lo ?? FOR KRISTINA ??

I. AM. SHOOK.

Dean remains talking about how he fucked up and he misses Kristina and all I can think is 😛 TAGEND

Side note: Does Danielle L have butterflies tattooed on her the backs of her ankles? She does, right? And it’s all are now beginning to make sense now.

Last but surely least, we have Amanda and Robby, a duo I do not give one single shit about. They have their talk and Amanda entirely breaks down at the thought of having to deplete the rest of her life with Robby and his Instagram admirers. And, like, same girlfriend. That sounds terrifying.

ROBBY : I time don’t understand. Why would you do this?

AMANDA : Honestly, this was just a paid trip away from my kids. Don’t push it.

THE FANTASY SUITE DATE

The three standing pairs sit down with Chris Harrison and are told that this isn’t time any time they’ll be going on, but a fantasy suite appointment. So no more garmenting in draw or hot tamale eating struggles, the cast members will actually “re going to have to”, like, connect with one another tonight. Wow. This show is wild.

Everyone pretends to be outraged by this news but, like, let’s not claim that y’all haven’t been screwing on sand dunes all summer long. Please.

Lacey professes her ardour for Daniel and he’s like, “yes let’s making such Facebook official.” And they say intrigue is dead. Tbh this is the first time I haven’t been fully disturbed by Daniel’s presence. You’ve genuinely changed him, Lacey.

Next we get to see Derek and Taylor’s date even though I wholly forgot that these two were on the demonstrate. They’re truly constructing lasting intuitions now. Taylor says something about shall be required to emotionally and spiritually connect with Derek slammed him so that they are able to pursue something more serious.

GERMAN Sidekick: Did I get the language right? Did she just say if the copulation is good they can officially date?

Yes, yes you did.

Adam and Raven have their appointment and Adam pops the fantasy suite interrogation. You can literally receive Nick and his sexless turtleneck burst before Raven’s gazes. She’s v agitated about saying yes to the delusion collection because she can’t forge an orgasm be susceptible one more time.

AFTER THE FINAL TEQUILA SHOT ROSE

Okay this segue from Raven and Adam’s date to the tell-all portion is really throwing me off. I’m experiencing v muddled rn. Did Raven sleep with Adam? Why is this a cliff hanger? Who is responsible for trimming the footage of this escapade ?? ANSWER ME, ABC.

Of course the sexual abuse gossip is STILL being talked about. Like we get it, ABC. You don’t are willing to morally accuse you for devastating two people’s lives for TV ratings. Your meaning is roaring and clear.

Chris brings out DeMario and Corinne for the world’s most awkward reunion.

CHRIS HARRISON : So where do you go from here?

DEMARIO: Well I’m going to therapy.

CORINNE: I am also in therapy.

Thanks, ABC! I detect SO much better about these two now !! It’s good to know they’re doing so well!

Tbh I could give a shit about the rest of these losers but this whole Kristina-Dean-DLo thing?

They framed Dean in the “hot seat” and he gapes low-key terrified. Like he knows that all the women in the gathering was intended to castrate him rn. Side document: can Chris Harrison place other people’s exes in the electric chair? Requesting for a friend…

They picture the whole Kristina-Dean-DLo love triangle footage and it’s still super hard to watch. Hard to watch in the sense that if I continue to watching it I cannot be held responsible for my acts. Just saying.

DEAN :* sobs watching the montage*

GERMAN Pal: He is an actor, yes?

YES.

Kristina prevents talking about how she will ever desire Dean and blah, blah, blah. She will 100 percent still slammed him after this.

Dean demonstrates a very fervent discussion about how he still affection Kristina. He’s tearing up, I’m tearing up. The more wine I chug, the more I’m willing to forgive Dean and give him another chance. Kristina is one lucky bitch. Dean is reformed. Dean is beautiful. Dean is perfect , no husband will ever measure up to how amazingly Dean has proven himself toda–WAIT. Danielle L says the FIRST interesting thing she has ever said on this show when she announces out Dean for announcing her an hour after leaving the present. One. Fucking. Hour. AND HE’S STILL TRYING TO GET WITH KRISTINA.

That’s it. You’re done. Nullified. Look you in hell, Deanie Babies.

And because ABC likes to waste my epoch, they likewise bring out Robby and Amanda. They were supposedly dating outside of the show for Instagram likes but broke up because they “wanted different things.” Like, Robby wanted to respond to thots’ observations on Instagram and Amanda wanted to have a father figure free babysitter for her kids.

Meanwhile Satan’s spawn the twins are desperately trying to stay related by butting in every three fucking seconds into Amanda’s breakup story. Robby apparently chiselled on Amanda after the see and we know this because the twinneds obstructed the receipts and are ready to blow up his distinguish on national television. The twinneds are like that sidekick who are capable of key your ex’s gondola even though you’re the one that got misled on , not them.

Wait. The twins are me. I am the twins.

Now we get to move on to the actual couples. Daniel and Lacey did not make it past the fantasy suites. Apparently Daniel couldn’t pretend to like Lacey for more than five seconds after robbing up. In other story, the sky is blue.

CHRIS HARRISON : Why would you say you cherished Lacey if you didn’t intend it?

DANIEL :* looks at Lacey* I said I loved you? When?

And just like that, I’m defeated again. Goddamnit, Daniel.

So I guess Raven and Adam slept together? She looks like she actually had an orgasm more. Good for you, girl. I approximate all it takes to find true love is a boob job an open memory and an open heart.

Derek and Taylor prove that they are the strongest couple on this substantiate. Derek. And Taylor. Give that sink in for a minute, k?

Whatever. I suspect Derek < disturb> has a big enough cock connected with her on a deeper statu in that fantasy suite because they’re still in love and doing it wield long distance.

Taylor stops talking about how “naked” and “vulnerable” Derek was that night and I 100 percent guess Taylor has a hollering fetish. She clearly gets off on the rends of her devotees. Don’t is an attempt tell me different.

The season ends with Derek proposing to Taylor. It’s all highly staged sugared but frankly all I can think is “I genuinely hope a twinned comes out and says she slept with him.” Where’s a twinned when you need one.

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