This might seem strange to anyone living in America in 2017, but the most powerful people in the world can sometimes be total goonball assclowns. They say that absolute strength distorteds utterly, but they rarely mention that it can also give you some really freaking outlandish diversions — or perhaps it’s the other way around. It turns out your weird co-worker who obtains erotic pony sculptures might be one coup away from being the next Kim Jong-un.

You already know about Hitler’s Mickey Mouse fandom and Idi Amin’s Scottish preoccupation, so make us tell you about how …

7

Stalin Vandalized Art With Totally Inexplicable Jokes

It’s hard work being a dictator, and Joe Stalin was no slouch. The Soviet commander incubated a plan to send some 6,000 of his countrymen to Cannibal Island( every bit even worse as it reverberates ), supervised the mass hanging of blind Ukrainian folk musicians, and wasted significant meter and vigour executing scientists who wouldn’t agree that plants are communist. That tier of ghoulish masterminding left Stalin in need of a psyche smash, and good-for-nothing relaxes an fatigued world leader like writing unclean captions on famous nudes, natch.

Bundesarchiv, Bild 183 -R8 0329/ CC-BY-SA 3.0
He may have been Time ‘s Man of the Time, but what he really craved was to win Playboy’s caption contest .

The artwork itself is by Vasily Surikov and Valentin Serov, famous 19 th-century Russian painters, but the additives are all Stalin’s, right down to his authenticated signatures. His captions, while juvenile, did illustrate his penetrating is committed to communism — like this painting, where he tells this naked man, “You need to work and not masturbate.”

via The Daily Beast
There’s a entire period about that in Marx’s Capital .

On the other hand, Stalin seems to be encouraging this nudist to perpetrate a sexual abuse where reference is writes, “You idiot. Have you fully forgotten what the hell is do? “

via Smart History
Grandpa doesn’t is a requirement to take advantage of unconscious women with abs like that .

Sometimes, his advice was more constructive. Like on this glean, where he contributed, “Don’t sit with a bare ass on stones. Pass the boy some pants.”

Other naked attractions prompted Stalin of fellow Soviet officials, and let’s not read too much into that. One was adorned with the words “Ginger bastard Radek, ” in reference to Karl Radek, who helped draft the Soviet organisation before Stalin had him slaughtered. Another meter, he depicted an inverted triangle over a nude man’s rubbish and wrote: “Why are you so thin, Mikhail Ivanovich? Do some occupation. Onanism is no occupation. Try Marxism! Hehe! J. Stalin.”

Experts conceive Stalin wrote the comments towards the end of their own lives, and that they uncover both loneliness and lonelines. That’s what happens when you kill everyone you know, dude.

6

Muammar Gaddafi Made Condoleezza Rice An Erotically Charged Music Video

Despite leaving a third of Libya’s person with persistent mental health issues publications, “Colonel” Muammar Gaddafi likewise managed to keep a instead continuous brook of well-known fames at his beck and scold. Even when you’re a total turd, your blood coin is still chiefly green. There was one famous American whom Gaddafi craved as more than a pal, though: George W. Bush’s Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice.

Calling her “my darling pitch-black African woman, ” Gaddafi yearned for Rice like an overly hormonal boy, saying in a 2007 interview, “Leezza, Leezza, Leezza … I affection her very much. I admire her, and I’m proud of her, because she’s a pitch-black lady of African origin.” It seems he likewise determined the style she did her occupation reasonably bonerrific, specially how “she rests back and passes tells to the Arab captains … and they come to her, either in groups or individually.” OK, this chap surely had a fanfiction.net account.

When Rice paid a diplomatic inspect to Gaddafi in 2008, he was only too hungry to apply his coin where he wished his speak was. According to the Bush administration’s list of official knacks, he presented Rice with a diamond sound, a DVD “with musical instrument, ” and a locket containing his image, which we can only premise is more flattering dick photograph he could muster up. The estimated total quality of the knacks was $212,225, so that DVD must have been impressive .

In her memoir, Rice relates how, during that same inspect, Gaddafi insisted that she connected him for dinner in his private kitchen before evidencing her a (< i> gulping ) videotape he’d built. The video boasted photographs of Rice interacting with foreign captains, set to an original song designation “Black Flower In The White House”( which sounds like it could be either country or gangsta hip-hop ). After Gaddafi’s death, rebel soldiers who raided his compound determined a photograph album filled with photographs of “Leezza, ” apparently right next to a large container of tissues and a jar of lube.

5

Ceausescu Literally Burned Through A New Suit Every Day To Escape Poisoning

We’ve already introduced you to Romanian president Nicolae Ceausescu’s particular label of crazy, like making himself a scepter and getting people to detest America by making them watch Dallas . Like most rulers who shit on their countrymen for decades, Ceausescu lived in constant horror of being ousted or assassinated. Desperate to avoid extending afoul of anyone as frightful as himself, he began to obsess over his personal security with a feeling he frequently reserved for mercilessly X-raying dissenters so they’d do cancer.

Concerned that he might be poisoned by osmosis via elements put into the fabric of his robes, Ceausescu inaugurated wearing a different dres every day and burning his robes and shoes after a single clothe. Prior to being threadbare, each article of clothing was stored under a clear plastic pouch and “sealed with high pitch electrical rig.” Once removed, apparel was stamped with colored ink and sent to the incinerator, leaving Ceausescu in a everlasting regime of breaking in new shoes. His personnel obstructed a 365 -day supply of suits and shoes on hand, every article hermetically closed and stored inside a climate-controlled depot. Had they missed a single daytime, Ceausescu would have apparently settled the two countries like this 😛 TAGEND

Ceausescu’s paranoia wasn’t limited to clothing. While traveling, he brought his own food( even flavorings ), who the hell is kept in a cool under armed guard. During his visits to the United States, Ceausescu’s staff cleaned and disinfected Blair House prior to his arrival, changing linens and pillows with ones introduced from Romania and installing radiation detectors. In short-lived, the only concept crazier than the stuff Ceausescu did were the things he pictured others wanted to do to him. His fears were at least moderately justified, as he was overthrown and killed in 1989, but we’re betting his personnel is intended to asphyxiated him long before that.

4

Than Shwe Abruptly Moved Myanmar’s Capital To The Middle Of Fucking Nowhere

To be a proper supervillain, you need an evil lair. Than Shwe, Myanmar’s onetime chairwoman, appreciated this and took the appropriate steps, to the uneasines of everyone but himself. See, where Shwe excelled in vision, he sucked ass at practical hanging — but when you’re an evil dictator, you’re a daydreamer , not a planner, dammit.

Until fairly recently, Myanmar’s capital was Rangoon, the country’s largest municipal and a bustling commercial center. This was working well for everyone, right up until November 6, 2005, at accurately 6:37 a.m .~ ATAGEND, at which meter Shwe obliterated the capital city and relocated it to a recognize in the forest 200 miles away. At precise that minute, a continuous brook of fleets inaugurated roaming the barely passable superhighways, hauling government officials and bureau rig to what would become Naypyidaw, Myanmar’s new uppercase. There wasn’t power or extending ocean, but hey, minor items. Foreign diplomats in Rangoon were notified the following, and were reportedly told, “You can communicate with the Myanmar government by character. If you have an urgent matter, you can send a character by fax.”

What was the same reasons for jam-pack the government up and moving it to parts unknown? The official rationalization is that Rangoon had become too gathered, but many conceive Shwe feared an takeover due to the city’s proximity to the coast. A commonly accepted rationalization in Myanmar, however, is that he moved everything based on advice from government astrologers, who said he would be overthrown if he remained where he was. They even sacrificed him “the worlds largest” seasonable meter( down to the unusually second) to acquire the move, apparently coinciding with the day the prime astrologer’s brat aid payment was due.

Over time, Naypiydaw has gained some of the necessary infrastructure, but person ranks still leave a lot to be hoped. At least that populace concept is taken care of.

3

Mugabe Won’t Stop Sending Zoo Animals To Their Doom

Much like with Elvis and Cadillacs, if you’re friends with Zimbabwean autocrat Robert Mugabe, you’re getting a zoo animal, and to hell of determining whether you want one or not.

See, when you’re a ruthless dictator, your peer group is relatively small. Hence, it’s exceptionally important to stay on good terms with the others by contributing knacks and participating in some mutual ego-stroking. With Zimbabwe’s economy clique the depletion, Mugabe needed a style to make a magnificent gesticulate on the inexpensive, so he did what any level-headed, practical person would do: He rounded up a assortment of animals from a national park and shipped them to his friends.

Mugabe’s most recent gift( and the largest far and away) was a “Noah’s Ark” of animals sent to North Korea’s Kim Jong-il in 2010. Reaping assessment from animal rights groups and anyone with a common sense, the ark contained duos of various types of animals, including giraffes, zebras, and 18 -month old-fashioned baby elephants that were too young to leave their mothers. Despite warnings that the elephants fronted almost certain extinction, Mugabe continued with the project, apparently because he was one of the many traumatized by Dumbo’s battery-acid outing as a child. Supporting that assumption reflects the fact that Mugabe ate baby elephant for his 91 st birthday.

This alone would be a sad incident, but remember that the Crazy Dictator’s Zoo Starter Kit is Mugabe’s favorite endow. In the 1980 s, he referred two peril rhinos to North Korea, where they died a few months later. Clearly not one learn lessons from his misconceptions, he referred two other rhinos to what was then Yugoslavia, where they soon succumbed tragically, if not unpredictably. By now, he’s simply applying zoo animals as currency, China for a military obligation by communicating them 35 elephants, eight lions, 12 hyenas, and a lone giraffe which he apparently found in his fridge.

2

Enver Hoxha Banned All Films … Except Those With An Obscure British Comedian

We’ve already told you what a great chap Enver Hoxha wasn’t, and how he made Albania a country nobody but Voldemort wanted to visit. Among his memorable and half-baked impressions were banning beards and typewriters, and covering much-needed farmland with some 750,000 random bunkers. You never know when evil beard-wearing, typewriter-owning aggressors are going to strike.

Hoxha likewise boycotted all Western video pictures and movies, lest the Albanian people recognize sits prevailed that weren’t depressing shitholes. The single exception to this ban were the films of British comedian Norman Wisdom, that chap who … OK, yeah, we haven’t heard of him either. Our experiment indicates that he was basically a cross between Jerry Lewis and the chap from the Ernest movies( for our younger readers: someone who falls down a lot ).

How did that chap of all people pass muster with a killjoy like Hoxha? Apparently, he saw Wisdom’s working-class reputations and their would be incompatible with the social upper-clas as a statement against capitalism and a “communist parable on the class war.” It’s too bad Hoxha never pictured those short-spokens about the squirrel from Ice Age chasing an acorn; they would have blown his fucking psyche fully wide open and reassured him to switch to capitalism.

Regardless of Hoxha’s grounds, he catapulted Wisdom to cult legend status in Albania, where he remained “their most beloved entertainer” until his death in 2010. What did the comic himself think up Albania’s affection for his occupation? Said Norman, “They must be raving mad.”

1

Castro Was Obsessed With Engendering A Super Cow

We’re confident in saying that no one will ever compassion milkshakes as much as Fidel Castro did. Despite just knowing that remaining a regular planned isn’t a good hypothesi when “theres” people actively trying to assassinate you, Castro refused to miss his daily year with a milkshake in the bar of his Havana hotel. The closest the CIA ever got to killing him was poisoning his chocolate milkshake, but even that didn’t appears to dampen his ardor for all things milk-related.

Milkshakes might have been Castro’s gateway drug, but he sure as hell didn’t be brought to an end. First, he became obsessed with out-cheesing the French. In 1964, he was attempting to foist his “Cuban Camembert” on a visiting French statesman, ask-telling him to snack some and repeatedly trying to get him to agree that it was better than whatever nonsense they had in France. Imparting Castro what we premise is more epic side-eye in biography, the Frenchman recommended there was a ground Cuba was known for cigars and not cheese.

Since he couldn’t reach total cheese power, Castro decided he’d settle for the next-best concept: causing more hodgepodges of ice cream than the United States did. After ordering 28 containers of Howard Johnson’s so he could smell each flavor, he decided that Cuba needed its own bit of the ice cream act. How would he accomplish this? Simple: He called his secretary and informed her that she now move an ice cream parlor.

Though the ice cream business was a great success, Castro still hadn’t arrived at the peak of his milk preoccupation. Recognise that quality cheese and quality ice cream both depended on quality milk, he set about changing the Cuban dairy industry by engendering a scoot of super cows. He imported millions of Holsteins from Canada … but almost a third of them succumbed off within weeks due to the climate and inadequate nutrition. Undeterred, he attempted to cross-breed the Holsteins with native cows, which is how he lastly determined the compassion of their own lives: Ubre Blanca.

Meaning “White Udder” in Spanish, Ubre Blanca procreated the Guinness Book Of World Records for “the highest milk yield by a cow in one day — 110 litres( 29 U.S. gallons ). ” When she died in 1985, her body was stuffed and put on display at the National Cattle Health Center as a permanent headstone to Castro’s milk obsession, and a remember that sometimes even stupid despots want milk with their kooky.

Behind every frightful movie is the concept for a good one. Old man Indiana Jones discovers aliens: Good in theory, bad in practice. Batman pushes Superman: So simple-minded, but so bad. Are there good versions of these movies conceal within the foul-smelling turds that pictured the light of day? Jack O’Brien hosts Soren Bowie, Daniel O’Brien, and Katie Willert of After Hours on our next live podcast to find an answer, as they discuss their ideal versions of duds, reboots, and remakes. Tickets are$ 7 and can be purchased here !

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